It Wasn't Me

I have an hour or two between classes daily and I like to sit alone in the waiting area with my home made sandwich in one hand, cellphone in the other while listening to rappers grinding their behinds up some hot shawwwty's fine ass on my iPod.

I have this thing about eating alone in public. I mean yes, I hate eating without company but what I mean is, I'm the only one eating away in a waiting room. I find the need to offer everyone else a bite of my sandwich. So, I try to be discreet when I'm munching away on my sandwich. But do you know what fucks it all up? Plastic bags and aluminum foils. The scrunching sound of the plastic bag just wakes up the whole neighborhood. Now everyone in that room knows I'm having a sandwich. Awkward! Once that's done, I have to unwrap my sandwich and the reflection of the aluminum foil just landed Air Force One. So now I just use a sandwich bag.

Next, I need to take a piss before my class. This is another pet peeve of mine. I do not like the idea of someone listening to me taking a leak. It bugs me that they know how much piss I have been holding in. What if they came in later and finishes off before me? So I usually flush to mask the sound of nature's waterfalls with man made whirlpools. This is why I love public restrooms with music playing in the background. Or, toilets in clubs, where no one is sober enough to hear you.

Okay, what about doing a number two? I avoid that all together because I love taking my own sweet time and I release better when not under stress. However, I know I speak for many of you out there when I say you wait for someone to turn the hand dryer on before releasing a load. Or, you flush while dropping a bomb. Next, you pretend and wait five minutes hoping the ventilation fan above sucks all that foul stench you created so the next person who walks in won't know what you did. Because she or he's seen what you look and you might have to kill her. 

Lastly, is it just me or do you get offended when someone walks into the cubicle you just walked out off and leaves right after two seconds to the next stall? AND you didn't even take a dump in that one! That bitch!