Love You Long Time

Gone are the days where you meet someone, exchange phone numbers and sit by the telephone, or keep your mobile right next to your pillow, waiting for him to call. Now, you exchange email addresses, add him on MSN Messenger, Facebook, MySpace, AIM, gTalk, Yahoo! Messenger and the other 2, 384, 763 social networks available out there.

Here's the thing. Because we're hiding behind a computerized security blanket, we feel it is safe to practice the rather new unhealthy obsession. Cyber attention whoring. Well, everyone knows cyber stalking. Not many address cyber attention whoring. Probably why it craves attention.

Firstly, you have what I call psycho-babble. This is when you change your MSN status 20 times in the span of 10 minutes. Why? So that person your whoring to realizes that you MUST be online in order to make such changes. Not only that, it's called psycho for a reason, I mean, apart from having 20 different thoughts in 10 minutes, those thoughts are usually attention whoring thoughts. Say, angry, raging comments such as "You SOB! I hope your uncle Satan claims you and your family!" Or, over dramatized comments like "OMG! I almost DIED in the shower just now!" And then there's that emo comment that sounds something like "Love... is something that will only crush you, if not kill you..." and lastly, I call it 'The Vague', as it goes a little something like "Sigh..." or "Why....?". All this is done with hope that your attention seekee will IM you to ask you what's up with your status. 

Next, we have the faux bad connection syndrome (FBCS). Truth is, your connection is fine. You paid your monthly fees, it's just that he's not paying attention to you. So, you quit and reconnect your MSN Messenger every 5 minutes. Why? Because when you reconnect, your name pop ups. This is so he knows you are actually online. Just in case he missed your name when he scrolled down his list or forgot to check who's online when he logged on. Oh, and it would be easier for him to just click on your pop up to start a chat with you! Now aren't we considerate.

Moving on, we have the but oh no I can't. Ever get tired of seeing the same screen name you've been using for the past 5 months? You decide to spice it up a little. But oh no I can't! What if he doesn't recognize my nickname and just skips me? So, if Prince Charming added you as ButtCheeks863, you're stuck with that until you decide he's not worth it anymore.

If all that's mentioned above does not work, it's time to get visual. Also known as, the model. This is when your put up the most artistic pictures, the most photoshopped pictures and the prettiest picture you could find from your photo album I Love Me. You hope that by realizing how hot you suddenly look in 100x100 and blurred out dim shots, he might actually want to pay you some attention. Some might even take a step further and perform the cyber seduction, which is to post risqué pictures of themselves. Depending on your face, that is indeed a risk.

When all fails, you decide that to make things easier, you should delete him. That way, you don't have to know when he's online and you won't have to worry about him not messaging you. This is called the fail. Because what happens next, you'd be thinking, "I wonder if he's online now..." and re-adds him. This only means one thing. You have thus, memorized his email address. So, your whole operation has done nothing but make you into a term well known to us today, a cyber stalker. Mission is the fail.

To be honest, this seems like too much work. I'd take brain tumor from cellphone waves beside my pillow every night any day. 

The Wrath of My Other Mother

This year started with a BANG! That's mother nature pointing her gun at our sorry asses.

We're only 4 months into the new year and it has been nothing but tumultuous. I swear, it's like the end of the world is just hiding around the corner, waiting for the right moment to stick a leg out and fuck us over.

First, Haiti was hit by an earthquake. So bad that they had to remake Michael Jackson's "We Are The World". Then came China, Chile and recent news, California. What's with all the Cs? Catastrophic Calling, perhaps?

Then, the east was hit by a massive snow storm. It snowed for 2 nights in a row, gathering snow up to 8-14 inches high. We were running out of places to stow the snow. The weather was so cold the snow refused to melt. Even if it did, it caused slush, ruining my shoes and causing people to slip and fall. Not to mention if your car is not running on snow tires, it might be pretty dangerous.

Just when you think the storm is over and it's time for the calm, it's the storm before the calm before the storm. Even I'm lost. Once again, New Jersey and New York was hit by a rain storm. I could hear the apartment building creaking from gusts of wind. Trees were slapping windows like a dominatrix. Soon after, I find out from the news that many towns were flooded. What's worse, trees were all uprooted. I'm talking about old, gigantic trees, smashing onto houses, cars and electric cables. Electric poles snapped. Metal signboards bent. Wind was reported to be 40 mph. I guess The Boyf just lost his crown.

Apart from the floods, most towns lost power too. Some even suffered both. The power wasn't up until 4 days later. Imagine living 4 days with no electricity in this cold weather? Oh wait, that is not all. Some people suffered the flood, lost of power and lost of water. For those who had access to water, it was contaminated and we were advised to boil everything before consuming. All water fountains in my school were taped off with bright yellow biohazard warnings. Oh, such drama.

If that's not bad enough, watching the news yesterday, Mr.  TV Weatherman said that the flooding might worsen from the melting of remaining snow.

So, if this is not mother nature throwing a bitch fit, I don't know what is. Step it up. Go green!

Facebook Don'ts

We have social etiquette, table manners and of course, not forgetting bedside manners, in the literal sense. However, with the birth of Facebook and its exponential growth in the past years, a new kind of etiquette is born, introduced and applied.

For example, thou shalt not add friends of your friend unless you know them. Listen, your collection of imaginary friends might have been acceptable, or even cute to some at some point in your life when you were 5 but when you're 27, it's just mad creepy. Of course, you might argue that these are real people, not Princess Jayshona from Tikawikishalala  but if you have never met or spoken to these people, honey, trust me, it is the same thing. You're imagining it. Secondly, apart from you reeking of desperation, you're not doing much for my reputation. It's awkward when a friend comes up to me and asks who is so and so and when asked why, you get an answer like "he or she tried adding me the other day". I do not like to be associated with a sketchball or a hornball. Or, like mentioned above, a delusional psychopath. Count Bartholomew VI might not approve. He even warned me about people like you.

Next, thou shalt not add one's boyfriend or girlfriend without first acknowledging the partner. This could just be me but I think it's proper etiquette to announce your desire and intention to add one's partner. You're not asking for permission, just give a heads up. That's almost like the new cyber backstabbing boyfriend/girlfriend stealing move of today. Calling your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend behind his or her back and not bring it up some time during drinks used to be inappropriate. Unless you're planning a surprise birthday party or buying a gift. But you have to come clean after said surprise or gift is presented. Oh, no poking boyfriends/girlfriends too, please. That's sexual harassment.

And then, there's this thing called over sharing on your Facebook status. To be honest, no one gives rats ass about what you did or will be doing the whole day, what you bought for your mother, your emotional baggage from your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and lastly, we don't care if you have a hangover from drinking 56 shots from last night. This is equivalent to today's version of talking about your 5.6 million dollar deal out loud on your mobile phone for the whole restaurant to know. We don't care.

Moving on. Two of your friends who decide to 'catch up' on your wall. Look, if I dedicated 8, 374, 981 hours of my life on this social network uploading pictures of me that I think are hot and would like people to see, this account better hell be about me. If it does not concern me, take it elsewhere - like a forum or a chatroom. Or if you are less of a geek, try the telephone. This is no different than you wearing white on my wedding day.

So, practice proper etiquette. Oh yeah, please. Thank you.

It Wasn't Me

I have an hour or two between classes daily and I like to sit alone in the waiting area with my home made sandwich in one hand, cellphone in the other while listening to rappers grinding their behinds up some hot shawwwty's fine ass on my iPod.

I have this thing about eating alone in public. I mean yes, I hate eating without company but what I mean is, I'm the only one eating away in a waiting room. I find the need to offer everyone else a bite of my sandwich. So, I try to be discreet when I'm munching away on my sandwich. But do you know what fucks it all up? Plastic bags and aluminum foils. The scrunching sound of the plastic bag just wakes up the whole neighborhood. Now everyone in that room knows I'm having a sandwich. Awkward! Once that's done, I have to unwrap my sandwich and the reflection of the aluminum foil just landed Air Force One. So now I just use a sandwich bag.

Next, I need to take a piss before my class. This is another pet peeve of mine. I do not like the idea of someone listening to me taking a leak. It bugs me that they know how much piss I have been holding in. What if they came in later and finishes off before me? So I usually flush to mask the sound of nature's waterfalls with man made whirlpools. This is why I love public restrooms with music playing in the background. Or, toilets in clubs, where no one is sober enough to hear you.

Okay, what about doing a number two? I avoid that all together because I love taking my own sweet time and I release better when not under stress. However, I know I speak for many of you out there when I say you wait for someone to turn the hand dryer on before releasing a load. Or, you flush while dropping a bomb. Next, you pretend and wait five minutes hoping the ventilation fan above sucks all that foul stench you created so the next person who walks in won't know what you did. Because she or he's seen what you look and you might have to kill her. 

Lastly, is it just me or do you get offended when someone walks into the cubicle you just walked out off and leaves right after two seconds to the next stall? AND you didn't even take a dump in that one! That bitch!