BAnD aID(EA)

Apart from watching "The Real Housewives of New York City/Orange County/New Jersey", I have another bad habit - and that is picking my zits. Gross, I know, but I hate bumps on my face and somewhere in my delusional mind, I think by popping it, it'll magically disappear - like all the chocolate around the house. However, I've had a pretty stubborn one for the past month. It hid itself so well that I gave up and didn't bother touching it for a month. However, 4 days ago, it grew weak and l I had it wrapped around my (soaped, washed, clean) fingers - with a piece of tissue paper of course. It was such a stubborn zit that I couldn't get it all out in a day. Results? My cheek is now officially red, angry, swollen and raw from this bacteria bump. 


This all happened on Friday and I thought it would be better by Monday when I have to face the world outside of Facebook. Didn't happen. And my anxiety for it to heal quicker by applying creams just dried my skin up more. So, not only is it red, angry, swollen and raw, feel free to add flaky to that shit list. 


I woke up Monday morning with two options. Skip classes or go for plastic surgery. I wasn't allowed either, so I came up with a brilliant idea. I found clear square mini band aids in the cabinet and decided to apply cream and cover it up to save my classmates from the horror that is my face while 'treating' it at the same time. The only reason why I didn't mind doing this was because this volcano was situated on the inner side of my left cheek, so my hair would be able to conceal it nicely if I walked with my head tilted slightly to the right like a retard.


Here's the problem. As I was walking in to school, the wind started billowing gently like I'm auditioning for the role of Asian Pocahontas. Because I was walking against the wind, my face was exposed and my retard walk failed. My patch has seen daylight! I started walking like a new kind of retard. The 'paranoid on LSD' kind by lifting the folder all the way up my face like if I can't see them, they can't see me.


I kept telling myself that I only have two classes today and to just get by and leave. Doesn't sound too difficult, now does it? Wrong. The fire alarm went off while I was waiting for my second class. Ignoring it crossed my mind -high possibility that it is only a fire drill. As I see kids scampering off toward the exit, I felt compelled to drag my feet and face out the door.


So there I was, standing in the middle of a fucking field with the WHOLE school. Of ALL days. All I wanted was to get through the day with just two classes by camouflaging a patch on my face with a walk I so carefully crafted.


Thanks Murphy. Look, I'm sorry I stole your boyfriend. I guess we're even now.

Love You Long Time

Gone are the days where you meet someone, exchange phone numbers and sit by the telephone, or keep your mobile right next to your pillow, waiting for him to call. Now, you exchange email addresses, add him on MSN Messenger, Facebook, MySpace, AIM, gTalk, Yahoo! Messenger and the other 2, 384, 763 social networks available out there.

Here's the thing. Because we're hiding behind a computerized security blanket, we feel it is safe to practice the rather new unhealthy obsession. Cyber attention whoring. Well, everyone knows cyber stalking. Not many address cyber attention whoring. Probably why it craves attention.

Firstly, you have what I call psycho-babble. This is when you change your MSN status 20 times in the span of 10 minutes. Why? So that person your whoring to realizes that you MUST be online in order to make such changes. Not only that, it's called psycho for a reason, I mean, apart from having 20 different thoughts in 10 minutes, those thoughts are usually attention whoring thoughts. Say, angry, raging comments such as "You SOB! I hope your uncle Satan claims you and your family!" Or, over dramatized comments like "OMG! I almost DIED in the shower just now!" And then there's that emo comment that sounds something like "Love... is something that will only crush you, if not kill you..." and lastly, I call it 'The Vague', as it goes a little something like "Sigh..." or "Why....?". All this is done with hope that your attention seekee will IM you to ask you what's up with your status. 

Next, we have the faux bad connection syndrome (FBCS). Truth is, your connection is fine. You paid your monthly fees, it's just that he's not paying attention to you. So, you quit and reconnect your MSN Messenger every 5 minutes. Why? Because when you reconnect, your name pop ups. This is so he knows you are actually online. Just in case he missed your name when he scrolled down his list or forgot to check who's online when he logged on. Oh, and it would be easier for him to just click on your pop up to start a chat with you! Now aren't we considerate.

Moving on, we have the but oh no I can't. Ever get tired of seeing the same screen name you've been using for the past 5 months? You decide to spice it up a little. But oh no I can't! What if he doesn't recognize my nickname and just skips me? So, if Prince Charming added you as ButtCheeks863, you're stuck with that until you decide he's not worth it anymore.

If all that's mentioned above does not work, it's time to get visual. Also known as, the model. This is when your put up the most artistic pictures, the most photoshopped pictures and the prettiest picture you could find from your photo album I Love Me. You hope that by realizing how hot you suddenly look in 100x100 and blurred out dim shots, he might actually want to pay you some attention. Some might even take a step further and perform the cyber seduction, which is to post risqué pictures of themselves. Depending on your face, that is indeed a risk.

When all fails, you decide that to make things easier, you should delete him. That way, you don't have to know when he's online and you won't have to worry about him not messaging you. This is called the fail. Because what happens next, you'd be thinking, "I wonder if he's online now..." and re-adds him. This only means one thing. You have thus, memorized his email address. So, your whole operation has done nothing but make you into a term well known to us today, a cyber stalker. Mission is the fail.

To be honest, this seems like too much work. I'd take brain tumor from cellphone waves beside my pillow every night any day. 

Facebook Don'ts

We have social etiquette, table manners and of course, not forgetting bedside manners, in the literal sense. However, with the birth of Facebook and its exponential growth in the past years, a new kind of etiquette is born, introduced and applied.

For example, thou shalt not add friends of your friend unless you know them. Listen, your collection of imaginary friends might have been acceptable, or even cute to some at some point in your life when you were 5 but when you're 27, it's just mad creepy. Of course, you might argue that these are real people, not Princess Jayshona from Tikawikishalala  but if you have never met or spoken to these people, honey, trust me, it is the same thing. You're imagining it. Secondly, apart from you reeking of desperation, you're not doing much for my reputation. It's awkward when a friend comes up to me and asks who is so and so and when asked why, you get an answer like "he or she tried adding me the other day". I do not like to be associated with a sketchball or a hornball. Or, like mentioned above, a delusional psychopath. Count Bartholomew VI might not approve. He even warned me about people like you.

Next, thou shalt not add one's boyfriend or girlfriend without first acknowledging the partner. This could just be me but I think it's proper etiquette to announce your desire and intention to add one's partner. You're not asking for permission, just give a heads up. That's almost like the new cyber backstabbing boyfriend/girlfriend stealing move of today. Calling your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend behind his or her back and not bring it up some time during drinks used to be inappropriate. Unless you're planning a surprise birthday party or buying a gift. But you have to come clean after said surprise or gift is presented. Oh, no poking boyfriends/girlfriends too, please. That's sexual harassment.

And then, there's this thing called over sharing on your Facebook status. To be honest, no one gives rats ass about what you did or will be doing the whole day, what you bought for your mother, your emotional baggage from your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and lastly, we don't care if you have a hangover from drinking 56 shots from last night. This is equivalent to today's version of talking about your 5.6 million dollar deal out loud on your mobile phone for the whole restaurant to know. We don't care.

Moving on. Two of your friends who decide to 'catch up' on your wall. Look, if I dedicated 8, 374, 981 hours of my life on this social network uploading pictures of me that I think are hot and would like people to see, this account better hell be about me. If it does not concern me, take it elsewhere - like a forum or a chatroom. Or if you are less of a geek, try the telephone. This is no different than you wearing white on my wedding day.

So, practice proper etiquette. Oh yeah, please. Thank you.