How Would You Tag Yourself?

When I'm bored waiting on long lines at Forever 21, and I must say that's quite often, I divert my attention from the array of racks stacked with clothes, shoes, and accessories placed conveniently along the path on where you would queue. What started of as hope that my impatient glares might send telepathic waves to speed these people up turned into an entertaining habit of people watching.

You see, Forever 21 sells clothes catered to females (and now males, too) ranging from teeny bopper to 'oh Lord, please act your age'. Through my unwarranted human behavior study, I've learned that young  girls are divided into six categories when it comes to their boyfriends (or lovers) buying them clothes.

Bitch Bella
First of we have the Bitch Bellas. They are the kind of girls who believe that the power of the vagina grants them the right to have men buy them gifts. They would traipse around the store picking out whatever they like and want; hands moving as fast as a Shaolin monk executing a kung fu move. But for some reason, when these Bitch Bellas are faced with the cashier with boyfriend by their side, their hands start to look like a Thai masseuse. Gently rubbing the counter tops, caressing the mouth of the tip jar and running their fingers on the gift card holder. Eyes that were once fixated on racks like a sniper are now swaying left and right like a cat with a ball of yarn dangling in front of it.

Fugitive Fifi
Next are the kind of girls who wait with their boyfriends (or lovers) on line and the moment it is their turn, so does she. She turns left. Or right. And walks to the other end of the store - and is no where to be seen and found for the next 4 minutes when the purchase is being transacted. So how do Fugitive Fifis' boyfriends find their girlfriends? If you were an illegal immigrant or a convict where would you go? Yes, the border. So the couple would reunite at the boutique's exit and casually walk on hand in hand. And that is how Fugitive Fifi works.

Pretend Patricia
Third in this category would be the Pretend Pats. It is when a girl pretends she's paying for everything but in fact, she's not. I once saw a young teeny bopper couple waiting on line to pay. Both boyfriend and girlfriend were holding a couple of items. It was a Saturday, also known as 'date night'. And I thought to myself, "Aww how sweet, young love shopping together". When the cashier called out for their turn, the girl walked up first and her boyfriend waited behind. This is where I began to think, "Why wouldn't they just go together?" Since I'm such a professional in Human Behavior studies, I drew up a conclusion, "Maybe it's their second date and they're really serious about this whole going on dutch thing". When she was done, she stood at the corner of the last row of cashiers, to wait for her boyfriend, naturally. And then he steps up and puts down 3 dresses. Honey, I sure hope those dresses are for you. Young boyfriend himself began to feel awkward paying for 3 dresses alone with 20 girls waiting behind, clearly able to view his purchase, starts signaling stealthily for girlfriend from under the counter to come. But at this point, girlfriend isn't going to have 20 witnesses that her boyfriend had to pay the other half of her bill. So she did what she does best. She pretended not to see.

Dancing Darla
They are the most annoying of the lot because they take up the most time. No, they don't break into song and dance out of excitement while their boyfriend pays but they do the bill dance. He'll offer to pay but she will say "Oh no, but I can't!" and takes out her wallet. He then pushes it away and hands the cashier money to which she grabs it and hands hers over. All we need are some palm trees and a hill to roll down in with 20 costume changes and Hindi music in the background. Watching Dancing Darlas' pay dance is as bad as watching Kate Gosselin on Dancing With The Stars. Because at the end of the day, the boyfriend always pays. The boyfriend knows it, the girlfriend knows it, the cashier knew it and heck, all 20 of us behind you knew it too. So save the drama for Jersey Shore.

Comedian Connie
Ever farted in a room full of people and say "Wow the cafeteria sure does serve bad cheese!" Some people crack jokes to avoid awkward situations. So do the Comedian Connies. They start telling jokes and teasing their boyfriends, trying their best to make the cashier laugh or smile in hope that the cashier would not notice that the credit card she's accepting is from her boyfriend and not her. I've seen enough of these to know that no one really gives a shit. The cashiers either ignore them thinking it's a private conversation or gives a polite smile. Which is why it's best to be a

Smooth Sue
They are the kind who just play it cool and doesn't give a rats ass. But say thank you to their boyfriends after. Verbal or action, I gotta look in the bag.


Don't get me wrong, the fact that these girls are doing any of the above is because they have a conscience. Be it out of shame or guilt, it's great to know that girls are not out there feasting on the idea that men should always pay. Unless of course, you're a Bitch Bella.

Facebook Don'ts

We have social etiquette, table manners and of course, not forgetting bedside manners, in the literal sense. However, with the birth of Facebook and its exponential growth in the past years, a new kind of etiquette is born, introduced and applied.

For example, thou shalt not add friends of your friend unless you know them. Listen, your collection of imaginary friends might have been acceptable, or even cute to some at some point in your life when you were 5 but when you're 27, it's just mad creepy. Of course, you might argue that these are real people, not Princess Jayshona from Tikawikishalala  but if you have never met or spoken to these people, honey, trust me, it is the same thing. You're imagining it. Secondly, apart from you reeking of desperation, you're not doing much for my reputation. It's awkward when a friend comes up to me and asks who is so and so and when asked why, you get an answer like "he or she tried adding me the other day". I do not like to be associated with a sketchball or a hornball. Or, like mentioned above, a delusional psychopath. Count Bartholomew VI might not approve. He even warned me about people like you.

Next, thou shalt not add one's boyfriend or girlfriend without first acknowledging the partner. This could just be me but I think it's proper etiquette to announce your desire and intention to add one's partner. You're not asking for permission, just give a heads up. That's almost like the new cyber backstabbing boyfriend/girlfriend stealing move of today. Calling your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend behind his or her back and not bring it up some time during drinks used to be inappropriate. Unless you're planning a surprise birthday party or buying a gift. But you have to come clean after said surprise or gift is presented. Oh, no poking boyfriends/girlfriends too, please. That's sexual harassment.

And then, there's this thing called over sharing on your Facebook status. To be honest, no one gives rats ass about what you did or will be doing the whole day, what you bought for your mother, your emotional baggage from your ex boyfriend/girlfriend, and lastly, we don't care if you have a hangover from drinking 56 shots from last night. This is equivalent to today's version of talking about your 5.6 million dollar deal out loud on your mobile phone for the whole restaurant to know. We don't care.

Moving on. Two of your friends who decide to 'catch up' on your wall. Look, if I dedicated 8, 374, 981 hours of my life on this social network uploading pictures of me that I think are hot and would like people to see, this account better hell be about me. If it does not concern me, take it elsewhere - like a forum or a chatroom. Or if you are less of a geek, try the telephone. This is no different than you wearing white on my wedding day.

So, practice proper etiquette. Oh yeah, please. Thank you.